West Chester Dish

“I feel like eating the whole baby would be really filling so I think I’m just going to eat the foot.”

“Good call, but I think I’m still going to have to eat the whole baby,” I replied to my best friend as I looked for a waiter to bring some coffee. A cup of Joe was exactly what I needed with this treat. I had been anticipating eating the baby cupcakes since we arrived at the baby shower.

The little guys caught my eye as soon as I walked into the Pittsburgh restaurant where the shower was being held. Chocolate and vanilla cupcakes hovered on the silver display rack, each one adorned with fondant creations that looked good enough to eat (obviously) .

Little baby faces peered out from pink and blue 100% sugar patchwork blankets. The aunt who made them stood proudly next to the display replying to each “Oh my, aren’t they adorable,” with “I’m for hire.” She also made sure to tell everyone that if the baby was too much to stomach they could opt for a petite yellow, blue or pink baby-footprint cupcake.

Thoughts of these baby-cakes filled my head during the entire shower. I tried to slow down my eating, realizing that chowing down my bread, salad and broiled fish wouldn’t make dessert time come any sooner. After lunch, I politely oohed and awed over high chairs, changing tables and baby books, and then it happened. The mom-to-be announced that it was cupcake go-time.

I made my way to the display and carefully chose my bundle of sugary joy. Returning to the table, I proudly peeled back the blue blanket of my vanilla baby-cake and went straight for the head.

My disappointment was instantaneous. Rumor had it that these ornate creations took about three days to create, but judging by the taste of them that was a few days too long. Although they were certainly edible, they clearly weren’t worth the calories. I set the rest of my baby-cake aside and enjoyed a few good swigs of coffee to wash it down.

I pacified my sweet tooth with a few blue and pink mints as I looked around the room at other shower-goers. All seemed to be doing their best to put on a show of eating a lot without Aunt what’s-her-name seeing how little they actually ate. Grandmothers, friends and other aunts throughout the room repeated the same comment as they shuffled the remainder of the baby-cake around their plates: “Well, they are just so cute!” And this was the perfect thing to say.

The Final Dish: Don’t eat babies. They don’t taste good.